To the whole two of you that read my LJ...

Yes, I am aliiiiiiive!

*evil cackle*

Haha... my laptop shit the bed. >_< The power source is disconnected from the motherboard. Which is a huge fucking pain in my ass, as I have no money to get it fixed. ARRRRGH.

I'd lost my phone, however I do have a new one... RACHEAL, CALL ME! I lost your cell phone number and I misssssss youuuuu. :( The number's the same. :D

I applied at the Potsdam McDonald's today. 2 mile walk each way... and I walked there, dropped off a sheet of paper (wearing my McDonald's sweater, might I add :3) and walked back.

Yes.

I am that awesome.

Roommate is annoying. Blah.

Oh! Sorry I deleted my MySpace. It was getting annoying. >>;;

I have apparently become nocturnal, as it seems that I cannot sleep before 8AM at the earliest. It's sort of getting annoying, plus I am in a permanent state of looking like a crackwhore. Frightened that my grades will likely be suffering this semester... big time. I've been sick, a lot, and even when i AM awake I don't have the energy to get out of bed...

No, I'm not drinking. My friends and I are too boring for that... the way it always is.

Oh! I'm finally addicted to a video game! @_@ It's an Xbox 360 first person shooter game.... Left 4 Dead. ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE FOR THE WIN!

Erm... let's see...

Have a boyfriend. I don't know how much I really want to be with him though, which is a problem because I'm only like his third girlfriend ever, and I took his virginity, and he's severely depressed... I'm scared that if I were to end things, he'd kill himself, and I do care about him... just not sure if I care about him THAT much... I don't know... blah.

Life is weird and confusing, the way it always is.

Gah.

Depression's back, full force. I probably should be hospitalized again, because it's bad and getting worse... but I'm scared Dad would find out, and if he found out, he might put me in a home or something and I really just don't want that...

In other news, I turn 20 in 10 days.

Well, here's my first update from Potsdam. At three in the morning.

Meh. My first class tomorrow is at noon, so I really don't care as much as I should.

I am taking:
Precalc
Intro to Human Genetics
Human Sexuality
Literary Analysis

I am also in:
Chorus
Band
Phoenix Club (all-girls choir)


I believe I may have pulled a muscle in my right leg, which is extraordinarily annoying and has me bitching whenever I need to do any significant walking (read: outside of my dorm). The limp is pissing me off.

Resolutions doing okay. Need more work on the weight-loss front. Have been pretty nice to myself though, and have not kissed anyone except in platonic matters.

Am still hopeless with hair. Well, I have a year to work on it.

So I just looked at the SUNY Potsdam website, and classes start there on January 17.

So essentially, my father and I need to hurry our asses up and figure out what we're doing, and soon, because the clock's ticking.

Personally, if we have that little time, I think we may as well just go with Potsdam. I need to talk to my father about that though.

Holy fuck I have such a headache atm. I slept for 12 hours last night.

Oh btw, previous entry is the introduction to a yuri I'm writing for cybilchan . There will be a lemon at some point in the future! :3 Whee!

The next chapter will be up later tonight.

( All Over Me, Chapter 1 )

I don't believe I've ever actually done New Year's Resolutions.

So let this year be the first.

1.) This year will be the dawn of kindness towards myself, as well as self-nurturing. The self-harm has ended, and in its stead come new ways of treating my body and my self.

• Shaving ought to be performed upwards of twice a week.
• Makeup will be worn 5 days out of the week.
• Weather permitting, skirts will be worn one day a month, though more is certainly encouraged.
• After a breakup, one mocha frappuccino is allowed. Continuing it for a month, however, is not.
• SEX: The first time in 2009, it MUST mean something other than "I'm horny" or any variation of this theme. Also, it will only be with women. Lesson has been learned. I cannot date men!

Today was my last finals at Quincy College.

They went surprisingly easily, though they certainly came with a dose of sorrow to be leaving. My classes with Professors Dooner and Saitta-Ringger were most enjoyable, and I shall mourn the end of my Philosophy class-- I doubt I'll ever find a class where I can be so openly disrespectful to a professor and know he still likes me. XD I've called him ugly, I've called him gay, I've insulted his stupid bow ties... yet I adored the class. A class where a person gets to sit around and argue the entire time? Hell yes! Computer Science I won't miss-- it was dreadfully boring-- though I doubt an A will ever come that easily again in my college career.

I promised Steve and Deb (Dooner and Saitta-Ringger) that we will meet for lunch before I leave, and that's a promise I intend to honor. Steve is the reason I'm an English major, and Deb's just plain awesome. I adore them both, and will sorely miss them (which is why I have their e-mail addresses and intend to write weekly!)

This year at Quincy has certainly seen a lot of changes. A license, for one... independance... responsibility... as well as my opening my mind and my heart to recovery, TRUE recovery.

Over this past year, God knows I've been through a lot.

But, thanks to my dad being the awesome guy he is, thanks to the awesome friends I have, especially back in NY, and thanks to the best therapist I've ever had...

Quincy put me on the road to recovery. Okay, maybe that's kind of a post hoc ergo propter hoc idea, but nevertheless. If I didn't come here and go to Quincy, I would have stayed in New York, and likely gotten worse.

In other news, I got my lip pierced.

An entry from a Yahoo! group I'm in that touched a nerve.





Many of us have confused notions about what it means to be loved and cared about.

Many of us were loved and cared for by people who had discrepancies between what they said and did.

We may have had a mother or father who said, "I love you" to us, and then abandoned or neglected us, giving us confused ideas about love. Thus that pattern feels like love - the only love we knew.

Some of us may have been cared for by people who provided for our needs and said they loved us, but simultaneously abused or mistreated us. That, then, becomes our idea of love.

Some of us may have lived in emotionally sterile environments, where people said they loved us, but no feelings or nurturing were available. That may have become our idea of love.

We may learn to love others or ourselves the way we have been loved, or we may let others love us the way we have been loved, whether or not that feels good. It's time to let our needs be met in ways that actually work. Unhealthy love may meet some surface needs, but not our need to be loved.

We can come to expect congruency in behavior from others. We can diminish the impact of words alone and insist that behavior and words match.

We can find the courage, when appropriate, to confront discrepancies in words and actions - not to shame, blame, or find fault, but to help us stay in touch with reality and with our needs.

We can give and receive love where behavior matches one's words. We deserve to receive and give the best that love has to offer.

Today, I will be open to giving and receiving the healthiest love possible. I will watch for discrepancies between words and behaviors that confuse me and make me feel crazy. When that happens, I will understand that I am not crazy; I am in the midst of a discrepancy.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

Okay, fiiiiine, I'll start updating again. *huff* Maybe even regularly, if everyone's nice. =3

Umm... woke up late today. So they let me stay late, because they were down a person anyway.

In the morning, I worked in drive-thru, then I worked in the kitchen during lunch. We had conversations about ethics as they relate to beautiful women. XD OMG a CUSTOMER picked on me today! A goddamn CUSTOMER! He was one of our seniors (McDonald's gets an absurd amount of old people, ordinarily in the morning... my guess is they're looking for companionship). Dan, one of the guys I work with who is one of my favorite people there, sayid something to the senior about me being a troublemaker, so I got all indignant and went on my usual "I'm an angel!" spiel, and this customer goes, "Yeah, an angel from Hell, maybe." I look at him and ask, "WHAT'D I DO TO YOU? You don't even KNOW me! EVERYONE always says that about me, they've been saying it for years!" I was laughing, though, I wasn't actually flipping out at a customer. XD

*eyeroll* 

We got one of those people at work today that make a huge-ass order, then realize they forgot their money as we're halfway through making everything. --" Ugh.

Erin let me wear my Santa hat today! I bought it for $1 at Christmas Tree Shops. Yep. $1. (Why yes, it WAS made in China. How'd you know?)

Erin's my boss btw... she rocks. She's my faaaaaavorite.

OH and Dan was checking out one of our 14-year-olds today at work, which isn't QUITE as creepy as it sounds because he's only 17 himself, but still. Wtf.

Dan's dad told me to shut up this morning. XD He was talking about picking up Portuguese from working with the Brazilians, and gave a couple of examples of some of the more minor things you can pick up... one of them being "bon dia," or "good day." You know, like a hello thing, like buenos dias or even bonjour. But in Brazilian it's pronounced closer to "bon GIA," so I started to tell him that... and he told me to shut up. ;_;


so now, have some perty literature.

The past and present wilt - I have fill'd them, emptied them.
And proceed to fill my next fold of the future.

Listener up there! what have you to confide to me?
Look in my face while I snuff the sidle of evening,
(Talk honestly, no one else hears you, and I stay only a minute longer.)

Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)

I concentrate toward them that are nigh, I wait on the door-slab.

Who has done his day's work? who will soonest be through with his supper?
Who wishes to walk with me?

Will you speak before I am gone? will you prove already too late?

The spotted hawk swoops by and accuses me, he complains of my gab and my loitering.

I too am not a bit tamed, I too am untranslatable,
I sound my barbaric yawp over the roofs of the world.

The last scud of day holds back for me,
It flings my likeness after the rest and true as any on the shadow'd wilds,
It coaxes me to the vapor and the dusk.

I depart as air, I shake my white locks at the runaway sun,
I effuse my flesh in eddies, and drift it in lacy jags.

I bequeath myself to the dirt to grow from the grass I love,
If you want me again look for me under your boot-soles.

You will hardly know who I am or what I mean,
But I shall be good health to you nevertheless,
And filter and fibre your blood.

Failing to fetch me at first keep encouraged,
Missing me one place search another,
I stop somewhere waiting for you.
~an exerpt from "Song of Myself," by Walt Whitman

So I'm not dead.

Ummm... fuck. Let's see. Transferring to SUNY Plattsburgh once I finish up this semester, which means I'll be TWO hours away from Racheal instead of five! =0

Got a promotion at work. Make a whopping $8.50 an hour. --" Ah well, I can boss people around and they listen to me! ... Even the managers listen to me once in a while. XD

Debating getting a lip piercing in the near future.

Managed to go through an entire semester working full time and in school full time. I'm in awe of myself.

And, erm, I think I'll be about as descriptive as Racheal and just say "something with Racheal."

I should really sleep soon. Oh, well.

I've finally discovered something that gives the U.S. economy some form of hope.

http://www.pickensplan.com/

My dear friend Jon recommended the site to me (as well as http://www.thingsyoungerthanmccain.com/ which is interesting as well), and I am glad he did.

Please, support it and pass it along.

We need something to be done.

Desperately.

1. Name:
2. Birthday:
3. Where do you live:
4: What are you studying/What are you working as:
5. What makes you happy:
6. What are you listening to now/have listened to last:
7. What is particularly good/bad about my LJ:
8. An interesting fact about you:
9. Are you in love/have a crush at the moment:
10. Favorite place to be:
11. Favorite lyric:
12. Best time of the year:
13. Weirdest food you like:

RECOMMEND
1. A film:
2. A book:
3. A song:
4: A band:

FANDOM
1. Favorite Fandom:
2. OTP/OT3:
3. Icon/Fic Journal (so I can join):

PLUS
1. One thing you like about me:
2. Two things you like about yourself:
3. Put this in your lj so I can tell you what I think of you?

Okay, so we were just kind of talking about random different things today in his office, because he's my favorite professor and really I kind of view him more as a friend who happens to know more than me, and he started telling me about how he hates lobster.

I'm going to note right now, this professor is gay.

Anyway. So he was telling me about how he didn't like it one way, so he tried it another. And another. And another. And another. And eventually... he just had to accept that he simply did not like lobster.

Interesting story, yes?

Well, I was thinking about it today... and I do it with something completely different: dating. I know I like dating girls-- they're fun and they're sweet and they're awesome kissers and okay I'm shutting up right now-- but guys I've never been quite as sure on.

So I've dated all kinds of guys. You name 'em, I've probably dated them. Fat, skinny, tall, short, average, young, old, mature, immature, smart, dumb... and I've just never been happy.

I think I'm just going to have to accept that I don't like guys and let that be the end of it.

Isn't my Shakespeare professor brilliant?!

A stupid story about how he hates lobster gets me to realize I really am 100% gay, that I'm about as straight as everyone at Boston Pride combined... I am seriously in awe of him at the moment. *shakes head*

Two consecutive entries!

Don't die of shock, all. :)

Let's see... exciting things that have happened today.

Ummm... I haven't eaten yet?

Wait. Things that have happened.

Let's see. I'm getting my English professor and my Shakespeare professor to write recommendations so I will be an English tutor next semester! Eeee, isn't that exciting? I can't wait.

And um... I'm freaking starving... *shrug*

Ahahaha one of my friends from school today asked me how likely it was that I would sleep with him. Then asked for individual tutoring for English.

lmao.

Christ. Only in my life.

Fack. I'm still hungry. Only have $0.57 on me too. :( And however much credit I have on my credit card. Which isn't much.

Waiting on reading lists to arrive from Quincy's philosophy professor... and Professor Dooner promised me he'd write me one too... I'm probably going to start on Dooner's first.

Bwaha, surprise surprise. I'm such an English major.

So I've determined that sometime soon I want to read Moby Dick. Unabridged.

Why?

So I can say I did. I don't care if there are chapters on how to fry whale fat. Can you imagine the sense of accomplishment in that?

Btw Marlowe seriously just can't compare.

I know. REPETITION!

So shoot me.

... Actually, please don't.

This mofo needs some sleep. Wonder if I can get it while here? We'll find out.

Laterrrrrr~

 Wow, it's been a while since I've updated.

Okay.
Got my license, got a car. As of earlier today, my car has been named Ophelia. 'Cause my car is CRAZY.
... Cool.

Though hopefully it won't kill itself in a river singing songs to itself. *shrugs*

Bwahahaha I love Shakespeare way too much.

And for the record, MARLOWE WILL NEVER COMPARE.
sdfoigjsoifhoh.

Just so everyone knows that. Shakespeare is superior in EVERY way.
Just because they're contemporaries doesn't mean SHIT.

... Aaaaahahahaha. Oh, I'm an English major now.

In case you couldn't tell by the literary rants.

I'll be starting voice lessons up again! My instructor's name is Bulent Guneralp. I can't wait to start lessons with him! He sounds pretty cool and stuff, and has a crazy impressive resume. :D

And I figure I can go into Quincy College and visit Professor Dooner.
Who I'm going to miss like crazy. I've seen him almost every day for the past two months.
No, I'm not like in love with him or anything weird like that. He's gay for Chrissakes. Though one never would have suspected.  But I respect him and look up to him more than anyone else.

And it's because of him I've made my ultimate life decision:
I'm not going to marry.
I've seen the life he lives. Beholden to no one, needing to answer to no one, able to do what he wants (within reason).
No need to compromise.
No need to bother paying attention to someone else in his household. He can read. He can memorize a soliloquy. He can watch Disney, for Christ's sake!
I want that.

I don't want to compromise. I want to come home to a quiet house, with no one on my ass. I want to be in control of my own fate. I want to be able to spend my time reading, not tending to someone else's emotional needs.
If I want sex, I'll join a swinger's group.
When it comes time, I'll pick my own goddamn nursing home.

Meh. *shrug* That's just my way of thinking.

I'm dreading finals. I don't want this semester to be over. I don't want to work all the fucking time. I want to go to school, take summer classes.
What student wants that?
No normal student, that's for damn sure.
But I do.
But nope. No luck. Gotta work. 
Fuckin... fuck it.

Lots more going on in my head, but I don't really want to post about it.

I am truly sorry it's taken so long for me to update. I've been extremely busy, because now, I go to school full time, I work part time, I'm in three plays, and... I have a girlfriend.

We've actually been together since Valentine's Day, heh. Sorry I never updated to tell you fine folks about it.

I finally have people I consider friends here at Quincy. I can't find any music geeks, so instead I've made friends with the drama geeks, lol.

Classes are going well. Sociology is still boring as fuck no matter how hard I try. Psychology is interesting, though. My English class is fun, and my Shakespeare class is even better. Jenn and I are discussing me getting an A.A. in Psych as well as an A.A. in English. I have no idea atm what the fuck I wanna be. I'd like to be a psychologist, but at the same time, it's literature that really gets me going. It's tricky.

Anyway, the plays we're doing are great. Everyone should look into them. The titles are "Spreading the News," "Courting 101", and "Trifles". I'm main characters in Spreading the News and Trifles. It's fun, I love it, I can't wait to have my lines memorized. It makes me horrendously busy, though. Seriously. I'm running to keep up with myself.

Today's my (third? fourth? I can't even remember) driving test. If they fail me today I will probably cry. I am so, sooooo sick of taking the damn test. And each time, they say the same thing. "You'll pass next time." Well, I haven't passed yet.

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1. Induced by Karma
2. BrittDC00
3. MlleJudicious

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. My Eyes
2. My Hair (sometimes)
3. My Collarbones

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. My Stomach
2. My Ass
3. My Boobs

ONE PART OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. Irish
2. Italian
3. French

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. Losing people I love
2. ... that's about all.
3. oh, and albino bunnies.

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. Wallet
2. Cell phone
3. mp3 player

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. Corderoy pants .
2. Cami
3. Flannel shirt

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS:
1. Within Temptation
2. Nightwish
3. Epica

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS: (at the moment)
1. Hell Hath No Fury Like a Woman Scorned - Angtoria
2. Angels - Within Temptation
3. The Last Crusade - Epica

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
1. Love
2. Honesty
3. Sincerity
(You had this down to a t, Racheal's friend..)

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE:
1. I want a cat.
2. I'm not single.
3. Today's my road test.

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE PREFERRED SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. Eyes
2. Smile
3. Sense of humor

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. Reading
2. Writing
3. Flirting (eeheehee)

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. See Meredith. :(
2. Get the damn test over with.
3. Have Racheal up here.

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING/YOU'VE CONSIDERED:
1. Therapist
2. Opera singer
3. English teacher

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. Ireland
2. France
3. Egypt

THREE KID'S NAMES YOU LIKE:
1. Jasmine Serenity
2. Matthias Bartholemew
3. Aubrey Rosa

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. Get my license. DX
2. Experience real, mutual, undying love.
3. Find a friend who knows when to give me hugs without me asking.

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A GIRL:
1. I like makeup.
2. I hate a sink filled with dirty dishes.
3. I'm a soprano. :P

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A BOY:
1. I like women sexually. XD
2. I wear flannel sometimes.
3. I like kayaking.

THREE PEOPLE THAT I WOULD LIKE TO SEE TAKE THIS QUIZ NOW:
1. galleon_lore
2. canela
3. tripsyr

For all who are curious, click.

SHE WANTS TO GO TO COFFEE WITH ME WSJHRFPOEJFPOQJD:MFPWOJ!M

SO.

I definitely just asked a girl from school if she wanted to go out for coffee or anything.

See? I can be ballsy. :P

She's cute and really fun to talk to, so I said I'd like to get to know her better. Wish me luck... I'm scared about taking the initiative like that!

So these clouds are madd depressing over here. I wish it would just rain and be done with it.

RG-- maybe the weekend at the end of spring break, we can plan for?   When's your spring break? Mine's March 18-March 22.

Sorry I haven't updated in a bit. Work and school are taking over my LIFE. DX

So yesterday, when I was waiting for the train so I could go to work after school, I hung out with the people who I'm slowly realizing are the drama nerds. One of them is in my Shakespeare class with me, the other one's a fan of Flogging Molly. And I kinda am starting to like the one in my Shakespeare class. *blushie*

He's fun, he's goofy, and I'm fucking terrified I'm going to become just "one of the guys" if I don't balance things out soon. So I think tomorrow I'm going to have to make myself look damn good. *frightened squeak* That means MAKEUP. DX

I don't like wearing makeup to school. *pout*

... But it's worth it. Even if he does live in Boston which requires me to spend $12.50 if I want to see him then another $1.70 to go specifically to his area.

... Not that kind of area. You pervs. u_u

Goddess, I'm sure some of you think I'm boy crazy instead of the truth, which is simply that I'm terribly lonely and dying to know people in this area.

*sigh*

ENGLISH: Professor looks like she's about to die, she's like 80 something with crazy age spots. Only thing worth mentioning.

Psychology: Professor incredibly laid back. He's pretty cool. Actually he's CRAZY cool. But he looks like a student.

Sociology: Promises to be kind of boring and irritating.

Shakespeare: OMG OMG OMG *creams pants* This class is gonna be AWESOME, I can tell already.



So there was a cute guy who wore a Flogging Molly shirt  (I love them if you didn't know), and I think I may have been flirting with him. just a teensy bit... ^////^

Saw Cute Guy again! Wow, today was good for my Cute Guy sightings.

And not only that...

he said hi to me. I like almost exploded, heh.

I can't wait til I know the people in this area.

It'll happen in its own time. *shrug* I'm excited though... all because of a "hi" lol...

 Saw Cute Boy today! Yay! ^^; It was only for a second, but nevertheless!

I was helping Jenn unload because she brought a crapload of stuff up from Florida and all of a sudden Jenn goes, "Britt! Cute Boy!" because I'd told her about him and so I run out, see his friend there to give him a ride, I'm guessing prolly to school, and  I waved when they drove past.

Just a wave. Nothing more.

But dammit I need an excuse to go over there and talk to him sometime. *pout* Any ideas for excuses?

... Maybe I could say I was home alone and have a phobia of loneliness... lol...

No signs of cute boy today.

I is sad.

Last night's fortune cookie:

You will stumble into the path that will lead your life to happiness.

I do belong here. I know it now. This is where I'm meant to be.

And I can't wait to see what 2008 will bring.

So there's a cute boy who lives across the road and he's only a year younger than me..

*squirmdance* eeeee

lol

I'm awful

I saved a baby seal today.

The poor little thing got beached this morning.

You couldn't touch her-- she went to bite-- but I kinda low-key chased her back in. She waddled so she had to stop and rest a lot, but fortunately she did finally make it.

The frostbite in my hands is a little worse than before, but I don't mind it. Those of my element are as much family as those of my friends to me.

I'm just glad I could help her.

Today's horoscope for me.

Both your material and spiritual lives seem to be in total accord at this time, Britt. Your career goals may still be out there, but you should have confidence that you're close to reaching them. Your levels of imagination, intuition, and inspiration are high, and likely to continue to be, though not always at the heights they are today. Integrating these two drives can be a very difficult task, but you seem to be getting there. Keep moving!

Holy SHIT. All my material stuff IS in order, due to my living with a wealthier family who's willing to help me financially in any way I need, as well as emotionally.

Today I'm going to Quincy C to take a placement test for my English class and my future math class-- which will prolly end up being something crazy simple because I haven't taken a math class since junior high.

And I'm not going to Doug and Merissa's because I know that would screw things up in my head a little-- I never handled drama very well, as we all know.

Oh and Racheal's coming in three weeks EEEEEE! RG I MISS YOU AND CAN'T WAIT =D

Oh by the way-- there are pictures of my bedroom up on MySpace, RG. Uploaded them last night. :) They're in my "A New Life" folder.

I am a very passive-aggressive person. I try to hide it, I don't mean to do it, but it's something that runs in my mother's side of the family, I suppose. I don't say what I think, nor do I acknowledge anger.

But I'm starting to realize that it's there, stewing deep beneath the surface.

And now that I realize it, I'm damn angry.  I didn't realize it when I worked at McDonald's. Though I suppose the fact that the only song I listened to after work repeated the line "You're all fucking dying" should have given me a clue.

This side of the family I always thought was kind of selfish, but now I'm beginning to realize that it's not selfish to do what's best for me. More than that, it's not selfish to speak up about things that bother me. And it's not selfish that I come first.

I'm 18. I'm not supposed to worry about everything. Like Amy said, I'm 18. I'm supposed to be screwing up, I'm supposed to still have some level of care from my family, not just be left completely on my own. I mean, fuck, I lost my mother three weeks into being 18. And somehow, I just faded into the woodworks.

Chrissy took advantage of my living with her. That's the only way it can be put. She took advantage of me. She made me feel guilty to be living there and spending her money, when all I ever did was babysit all the fucking time for Gabe and Peyton. She bitched and moaned about how gas was expensive, yet she and Lou bought a fucking three hundred dollar video game.

I babysat. I did the dishes. But I'm still 18. I'm not supposed to be worrying about shit like that.

The night I got back from Four Winds, (a local psychiatric hospital) do you know what I fucking did?

Babysat.

No fucking joke.

And I was angry, though I didn't realize it. I must have realized something was fucked up though, because I called Amy, I called my father, I somehow let it be known that this wasn't right.

Hours after I left the hospital that I entered because I couldn't take care of my own life, I was made to care for myself as well as two young lives.

Fucked up, isn't it?

There's no point in being mad at Chrissy now. But I was taken advantage of, by both of my aunts.

I loaned $500 to Jen. I also allowed her to put her electric bill in my name when I wouldn't be living with her, so they could have power... because she was behind on her own bills to NiMo. Jen charged me rent as well, when I ate only my own food, often bought food for the house, and was paying for my own transportation.

Is that fair to me either? No. I never spoke a word about letting Jen put the bill in my name, even though I knew her credit and her bills were fucked by a long shot. I constantly (secretly) worried about the bill and what it was doing to my credit.

Oh, and you know the greatest part?

At that time, Jen went out an average of three or four nights a week to a local bar.

Brianna and I both got stuck babysitting for free. Brianna still does.

Neither Jen nor Chrissy ever paid me for babysitting. But I still owed them something, in their opinions.

Why am I always the one taken advantage of?

No more. I've got to start telling people when I don't like something, when I feel that I'm being taken advantage of. I've got to start standing up for myself, because without it no one will ever know what I'm thinking.

I come first in my life. Even if I live with someone else, I am and have to be my first priority.

And I won't be taken advantage of again.

Okay, let's discuss how my trip to Florida has been. Even more challenging, let's do it in one word:

POOL.

Every single  day, as per my request, we've gone to the pool. The water's always at least 80 degrees (the old people bitch if it's colder than 85), and the sun is perfect for this tan I've got going on. I'm having a blast relaxing down here... it's gonna suck when I go back to Massachusetts tomorrow. Back to the cold and wind.

Ah, well.

Dad, Jenn, and I can always go to tanning beds. It's fun, actually. I rather like tanning beds.

I need to lose weight! *makes a face* This shit's driving me nuts! I feel huge!

Another really nice thing is that grandma and grandpa let me drive the golf cart (they live in an old people's country club) around alone when I want to.

And I'm sure as Hell going to miss having a glass of wine with dinner. I've developed quite the taste for it.

Ah well. I'll be home alone this weekend. There's wine for me up there... Dad and Jenn prefer red and I love white, so for New Year's I got my own bottle. It's going to be great to have Bimini again! She's Jenn's dog... an Australian shepherd. She's gorgeous, and such a sweetheart, even though she's definitely not that intelligent as far as dogs are concerned.

Grandma, Grandpa, and I went out to dinner last night with my father's most recent ex's parents (yeah, figure that one out). The food was great-- some American cuisine restaurant--  but idk, it just felt awkward. I know they want my dad to hook up with their daughter again and there's not a chance in Hell that it'll happen.

Dad and Jenn are thinking about getting married this year! Eee! I'm so glad for them... Jenn's the sweetest person in the UNIVERSE zomg. I'm so glad she's the one he's going to end up with.

Even better (and this is going to sound callous), Jenn had a hysterectomy some time ago, so I won't have any half-siblings on my father's side! I know that sounds AWFUL-- she had a hysterectomy due to cancer-- but it would just be weird to have half-siblings on my father's side.
 
I don't know what more I can say. *shrug* Ah, well. :) Hope you all are having as much fun as I am!

Hello! It is I, queen of the... uh... short people! Yeah, short people!

Um I'm basically just on here to keep tabs on cybilchan. I'll be honest.

I'll try to update though.