I am a very passive-aggressive person. I try to hide it, I don't mean to do it, but it's something that runs in my mother's side of the family, I suppose. I don't say what I think, nor do I acknowledge anger.
But I'm starting to realize that it's there, stewing deep beneath the surface.
And now that I realize it, I'm damn angry. I didn't realize it when I worked at McDonald's. Though I suppose the fact that the only song I listened to after work repeated the line "You're all fucking dying" should have given me a clue.
This side of the family I always thought was kind of selfish, but now I'm beginning to realize that it's not selfish to do what's best for me. More than that, it's not selfish to speak up about things that bother me. And it's not selfish that I come first.
I'm 18. I'm not supposed to worry about everything. Like Amy said, I'm 18. I'm supposed to be screwing up, I'm supposed to still have some level of care from my family, not just be left completely on my own. I mean, fuck, I lost my mother three weeks into being 18. And somehow, I just faded into the woodworks.
Chrissy took advantage of my living with her. That's the only way it can be put. She took advantage of me. She made me feel guilty to be living there and spending her money, when all I ever did was babysit all the fucking time for Gabe and Peyton. She bitched and moaned about how gas was expensive, yet she and Lou bought a fucking three hundred dollar video game.
I babysat. I did the dishes. But I'm still 18. I'm not supposed to be worrying about shit like that.
The night I got back from Four Winds, (a local psychiatric hospital) do you know what I fucking did?
No fucking joke.
And I was angry, though I didn't realize it. I must have realized something was fucked up though, because I called Amy, I called my father, I somehow let it be known that this wasn't right.
Hours after I left the hospital that I entered because I couldn't take care of my own life, I was made to care for myself as well as two young lives.
Fucked up, isn't it?
There's no point in being mad at Chrissy now. But I was taken advantage of, by both of my aunts.
I loaned $500 to Jen. I also allowed her to put her electric bill in my name when I wouldn't be living with her, so they could have power... because she was behind on her own bills to NiMo. Jen charged me rent as well, when I ate only my own food, often bought food for the house, and was paying for my own transportation.
Is that fair to me either? No. I never spoke a word about letting Jen put the bill in my name, even though I knew her credit and her bills were fucked by a long shot. I constantly (secretly) worried about the bill and what it was doing to my credit.
Oh, and you know the greatest part?
At that time, Jen went out an average of three or four nights a week to a local bar.
Brianna and I both got stuck babysitting for free. Brianna still does.
Neither Jen nor Chrissy ever paid me for babysitting. But I still owed them something, in their opinions.
Why am I always the one taken advantage of?
No more. I've got to start telling people when I don't like something, when I feel that I'm being taken advantage of. I've got to start standing up for myself, because without it no one will ever know what I'm thinking.
I come first in my life. Even if I live with someone else, I am and have to be my first priority.
And I won't be taken advantage of again.